1996: Grand Canyon — Day Three — Campfire
May 14, 2008
Camp was a welcome relief after the traumatic day. After we set up camp, the first thing to come out was the booze. One of the river guides set up a margarita table and the drinks started flowing. After everyone had a little to drink, what was left of the tequila went into the TV reporter’s cup, even though he was holding a liter of whiskey in his other hand. As the only sober observer, I sat back and watched the show.
Dan is the first to lose his senses. He starts talking to Hot Head’s father about the earlier medical evacuation. His enthusiasm was probably lost on the father whose son had just been air-lifted to a hospital. “I told you! Something exciting happens down here every day!”
Then Dan brought up the religious blessing the father had given his son: “Now that Mormon blessing you gave him, that was something. Goddamn! That was a damn special moment. You know, I’ve got a lot of respect for Mormons…”
Once it gets dark the river guides disappear on a full moon-lit hike. Some kids light up a reefer at the river’s edge. Those of us media people find a place to sit and eat/talk. The media circle is where the comedy will be tonight. The TV reporter is drunk and he will be the star performer. I’ll call him TVR for the rest of the post.
TVR starts talking about Hot Head and his brother, “Those two hemorrhoids!” Much time is spent laughing about Hot Head and his injury. At one point the TV cameraman does an imitation of Hot Head’s injured moaning that is so loud I’m sure it was heard by everyone in camp. “AAAGGGGHHHH! My arm!” echoes off the canyon walls. We all laugh hysterically, either at the ridicule or the audacity of the cameraman.
People are pounding the whiskey now. The TV cameraman is gulping down his Diet Caffeine-Free Cokes and everyone is sputtering forth curse-filled spew. The old women huddled around the campfire about twenty feet away keep looking over, glaring with disgust at the drunken display of foul humor.
TVR starts talking about riding Crystal Rapid earlier in the day. “I was talking to that hole as we hit it. I said, ‘Come on you big, @#$%! brown @#$%! hole!’”
Winger walks over, obviously not in the best of spirits. He’s the most experienced guide around, riding huge water with media on board, and a passenger gets seriously injured. It’s clear he’s not himself, and probably second-guessing the way he rode the rapid.
TVR picks up on it and offers him some drink. “You know, Winger, I know enough about whitewater to know that you rode that rapid conservatively and it wasn’t your fault that that hemorrhoid got hurt. I want you to know that you have nothing to worry about in our broadcast. We won’t make you look bad in any way. This kind of thing happens.”
The campfire finally dies down and it’s time for sleep. TVR tries to stand up and nearly topples over. Two of us each grab an arm and start to walk him to his cot. As he is helped out of the circle, Dan is still reclining on a rock where we were all talking. He says, “Don’t fall on me.” Sure enough, TVR falls right on top of Dan, prone like they’re lovers. We all fall to the ground laughing hysterically as Dan yells out, “Get him off of me! Get him off! He’s trying to make love to me!”
TVR is a little upset now. We walk him to his cot and help him, against his wishes, into his sleeping bag. The next morning he’ll be a lot less talkative, a little embarrassed, and he’ll ask Winger for a new sleeping bag. One without puke in it.
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